When I was counseling couples, communication issues was a big thing?either lack of communication or difference in communication styles. Deborah Tannen?s work on the subject was a big help for me in helping couples communicate. Men and women simply communicate differently and it is, very often, just a matter of a little tweaking to help a relatively healthy couple figure out what the hell the other person was trying to say.
The ?communication problem? stereotype was women wanting to talk more, to talk about emotions and to work out any problems with talking and more talking while men didn?t really want to talk to anyone about much of anything unless it was about guy things or how to solve a problem. The most common example I can think of is a woman comes home and is feeling sad or upset and shares what happened with her husband and the husband makes suggestions as to how she can ?fix? it. All she wants him to do is listen but he rushes in to give her solutions. Other times she wants to talk about their issues and he doesn?t rush into give any solutions, but rather clams up when she WANTS him to talk about the issues and help her solve them. So in each instance they deadlock and go round and round. I saw this in couples counseling over and over again. Many times it was relatively easy to tweak communication differences and get couples to get on the same page. It might not have seemed easy to them but working through communication style differences followed a fairly standard script.
But along comes ?internet access for all? and texting and smart phones and so a whole new issue crops up: too much communication. The oversharing and minute-to-minute dependency of everyone on everyone else has led to more problems than I can even list here or that are even in the realm of a breakup blog.
We have communities that don?t have money to keep after-school programs going that have to take their money and pay for public campaigns against texting while driving. In a day and age when most towns, cities and states are struggling with budgets we have to take taxpayer money and put it into public awareness campaigns because people are too damn stupid to simply NOT TEXT AND DRIVE OR TALK AND DRIVE.
Honestly people. How freaking stupid are you to text and drive or talk on the cellphone despite all the evidence as to how dangerous it is? It?s tempting to do. But stop doing it. Period. Throw your phone in the backseat or stick it in the trunk when you get in the car. Even talking on the phone while driving is not a good idea or practice. Lose the phone.
Texting in a theater (movie or play) is rude. You don?t pay all that money for a movie or a play to sit there and talk to someone who isn?t there. Work on your attention span and pay attention to a movie or a play for 2-3 hours. It will do your brain good.
I?ve written on here the dangers of multi-tasking. The human brain is NOT equipped for multi-tasking and making it do it day after day is not good for you or your brain or the human race. SO STOP IT. And make your kids stop it. It is not good for their little brains and if you are not enforcing any rules because you?re just as guilty: THEN YOU ARE A BAD PARENT. Oh yes, I said it.
I could go on and on but I?m supposed to be writing about relationship communication.
1. It is important to be able to have a conversation in any relationship. Not an endless steam of content-free chit cat, but real conversation. Constant texting erodes not only the opportunity for conversation but the ability of a person to sit and think. Couples fight through ?battle texting? going on and on and back and forth in a way that isn?t possible in face to face conversation. It can go on and on and on. You need time outs in arguments. You need to stop and gather your thoughts. You need to calm down. If you?re doing it while texting, you get a barrage of ?hello? hello? hello?? or some such thing.
It?s easy to get into trouble with language whether face to face or in text. But face to face gives you the opportunity to see your partner?s face, to know that you went over the line, to hear the person?s emphasis and tone of voice. In texting you are imagining everything. It?s not good, it?s not healthy, and it?s not fair.
Many things are misunderstood in person and in text. What did you mean by that? is a lot easier to explain in person.
2. You need time in each and every day to do nothing at all. To be disconnected from everything and everyone. You need time to focus on other things. A movie, a television show, a book. You also need to spend your time WITH others actually being with them and giving them ALL of your attention. Your family. Your children. Don?t text while you?re spending time with special people. You love what you give your attention to. Your UNDIVIDED attention.
3. Everyone needs self-discipline and they need to teach it to their family. Do you think NC is tough? Do you think it?s the ability to reach out and touch absolutely everyone any time you want that is adding to the problem? Well, it is. It?s not only bad for you, but bad for your family and your children.
Stop allowing everyone to text and talk during family gathering or (god forbid) dinner. When my daughter was 16 I took a few of her friends out to dinner and they were all trying to text under the table. They could not sit still. They were either raised like wolves or were simply reflecting poorly on their parents because they did not know it was RUDE to text while out in a nice restaurant with a friend for her birthday. They didn?t know this. These were girls from ?good? families, apparently too good with no boundaries. They all texted all the time, day and night. The few times my daughter was given texting during high school she blew it almost immediately. She was texting all hours of the day and night. And it was taken away. Again and again. And I almost never texted her unless it was to tell her I was on my way to pick her up. I wanted her to call me. I wanted to hear her voice and know where she was and that she okay. And I wanted her to have enough sense to know when to call and when to not. I didn?t want to chase around behind her asking her question after question.
4. Men and women still communicate differently. I was in a line one day and an older gentleman, surveying the younger gentlemen on the phone (and most having inane conversations within earshot) remarked to his friend, ?When did men become 13 year old girls on the phone?? I almost spit out my coffee. Since that time I hear that quote in my head so often when I?m surrounded by men chit chatting on the phone.
But basically men still communicate in different ways than women and women and men STILL misinterpret each other. Now they stand there screaming at each other with the TEXT in hand saying you said this and meant that and the other person is saying NO I DIDN?T.
Or other sorts of miscommunications and unfair fights happen because of misunderstanding. The nuance isn?t there. The inflection isn?t there and if someone is having a sensitive day or looking for a fight, BLAMMO, you just gave them one.
5. No one should be beholden to ANYONE to be available via text, email or phone. It?s craziness. People did used to exist without the constant communication and large periods of time of not knowing where everyone they knew was. It was GOOD. Try it sometime.
People will use this availability against you if you let them. Do you want to HAVE to be available? Then be available. Tighten that noose very tight around your neck. When you?re choking, do not complain.
6. When you are constantly plugged into someone else or everyone else, you become dependent on others for your entertainment, your emotions, your daily dose of life. You lose your perspective, you lose your ability to self-soothe and to enjoy your own company. You become reactive and you sometimes become bored.
REMEMBER A TEXT OR A CALL OR AN EMAIL IS A REQUEST NOT A DEMAND.
Being okay alone has to do with being okay when you are alone. You have to be able to stand in line, sit in traffic, lie in bed and not have anyone else talking to you. You have to learn to just sit and DO one thing at a time or nothing. I used to commute every single day and was amazed at so many people?s inability to just stand still or just stand and read a paper (and New Yorkers probably spend more time on public transportation reading newspapers than most people anywhere). But everyone is looking down at their phone or computer. New York is, in my opinion, the greatest city in the world and maybe we?re used to it, but just 15 minutes in a subway station or the Port Authority or Grand Central or Penn Station will keep you entertained if you open your eyes and see what?s going on. You will get your mind OFF other people you know and check out all these crazy people you don?t know. It?s entertainment.
But the most important thing is that if you are breaking up, the texts and constant communication become torture. You never knew how to shut it off so you don?t know now or one of you does and the other spins around on the floor like Curley from the Three Stooges going WOO WOO WOO.
NC is getting harder and harder for people because they?re communicating more and more over NOTHING and expecting some text or call or email every 10 seconds.
LETS PUT SOME SELF DISCIPLINE TOGETHER and TEACH IT TO YOUR CHILDREN. Stop trying to be their texting bud and be a parent.
Learn to back away from the phone and the computer.
Learn to just shut up.
And choose your communication carefully. Both what you say and who you say it to.
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